Lucky or not?

I try really hard to be grateful for the things I have.  I have a roof over my head, food, heating, a job, family and friends.  Most people would consider this to be a blessed situation. And yet I get frustrated. And then I hate myself for being so shallow and ungrateful. 

So why do I struggle?

I am a master of self-deprecation having experienced some considerable trauma as a child, an abusive marriage and and even more abusive relationship after that. My self worth really isn't worth anything. But I do now have a great marriage, and again this is something for which I am very grateful. 

I always try my best to help those around me who are in need, whether it be emotional, physical or financial help. If I have it, I'll gladly give it away, even if it leaves me short. This happens a lot emotionally and sometimes financially too.  My husband doesn't understand this. He thinks of himself as the most important person in his life. I think I'm the least important (and valuable) one in mine. I will often buy him little gifts to show my affection. He buys lots of little things too... for himself.  I simply don't understand that concept of self-value, because there's still a huge majority of my life where I was either abandoned (literally) by those who should have nurtured me; or simply told over and again that I was worthless. 

So here I am, emotionally conflicted and desperate for help.  I've had hours of counselling teaching different coping strategies and to help understand the trauma; but time and again it all falls apart and I'm left feeling empty. 

My dentist actually summed it up in one phase a few weeks back.  He said I wasn't decaying, just falling apart. He meant my teeth; but it seemed so pertinent to my whole life. 

I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm lost. I'm broken.